Tea bags and barf bags

Only in America could an aerial wolf hunt lead to a keynote speaker gig at a convention full of tea bags. Yes, brace yourselves for the first ever National Tea Party Convention, being held February 4-6, 2010 in Nashville, Tennessee. Fear not, however, as press coverage for the entire event will be limited to five outlets: Fox (Faux) News, Breitbart.com, The Wall Street Journal, World Net Daily, and Townhall.com. So if you thought you would be bombarded with sensationalism, fair and balanced reporting, and a no-spin zone, well, you thought right. Maybe.

The convention host, The Tea Party Nation, states that requests for press credentials have been simply unbelievably and in order to preserve the integrity of the event they are limiting press coverage. Convention organizers stated in their press release that “[A]s we have set expectations that this is a working convention, we have tried not to make it a media event. We have been hard pressed to accommodate all of these requests and do not have the space or resources to support the entirety of the press corp.” So they thought.

Attempts to land anything resembling motivational speakers proved to be disappointing, as the tea party speaker bureau could only provide two names for would-be conventioneer enticement, one Michele Bachmann and Ms. Princess Alaska, Sarah Palin. Naturally, tea bags jumped all over the opportunity. Palin will be taking time away from her suddenly busy schedule, a comedy act on Faux News and peddling her literary masterpiece, Going Rogue, in order to prepare for her role as keynote speaker of the event.

Early reports indicate the tea party nation is elated to have these two historical figures (note the connection to hysterical mouths) listed on the program, regardless of the mumblings by some regarding tea bag favors bestowed upon Palin to the tune of $100,000.

This leads us back to press availability. Not only is the retired governor of Alaska raking in six figures to open her mouth, she has requested that all media be given access to her after-dinner speech, a speech that is certain to have some in the viewing audience reaching for a barf bag.

Judson Phillips (preserving the integrity of this hub does not allow the linking of his website here), one of the event organizers, has clarified that in addition to the credentialed press organizations listed above, the media at large will cover Palin’s speech and quite possibly other portions of the event. “We may open some of the events to the media. We are asking speakers about that…Gov. Palin has asked that the media be given access to her speech and we are going to do that,” said Phillips.

Convention organizers to this soon-to-be legendary how to learn leadership event have released an updated press release stating the convention is sold out, with an extensive waiting list available for those wanting to watch stupid.

The press release further states that “Certainly, we are not professional event planners. We have been most appreciative of the many members, volunteers and professionals who have helped us bring this vision to fruition. These people have managed a tremendous task and put a convention together in a matter of weeks that normally takes a year to plan.”

Convention attendees will be paying $549 for the pleasure of honoring the request of their tea party invitations. Add lodging and travel expenses to that number. Intelligence degrees will be available for all attendees at the conclusion of the event.